I’ve been meditating for about thirteen years.
I started when I was a new mum, initially as a way to manage anxiety and postnatal depression. Somewhere along the way, meditation became much more than a relaxation tool. It became a way for me to connect with what I used to call my spirit guides.
Yes. That’s a very New Age term.
And if you’ve been around that world, you’ll probably know exactly what I mean.
Looking back now, I sometimes laugh at the irony of it all.
Years ago, I used to mock Doreen Virtue when she announced that she had completely changed direction, denounced her previous spiritual practices and walked away from the books, cards and teachings that had made her famous.
I genuinely thought she’d lost her marbles.
And then, years later…
I did almost exactly the same thing.
I closed down a website.
I walked away from a podcast.
I stopped selling books.
I threw things away.
I let go of an entire part of my identity.
Not because I suddenly hated the person I’d been.
Quite the opposite.
I had genuinely wanted to help people. To be honest those times helped me to learn new skills, that I developed and will continue to use again one day in a different format. How that looks I’ve got no idea because I don’t have the plans.
After years of nursing, all I have ever wanted to do was to help people in pain in a different way. I believed I was helping them — and in many ways, I know I did.
But somewhere along the way, I had confused myself with the healer. As a Reiki Master, even though I knew I was the vessel (oh man I cringe as I write that) I look back now and think, Oh my goodness, Kristy.
😂
When I became a Christian, I began to see my spirituality very differently. And honestly, that brought a lot of fear with it. I was suddenly questioning everything.
Could I meditate?
Should I meditate?
Was I opening myself up to something I shouldn’t?
I didn’t want to accidentally step back into something I’d deliberately walked away from.So for a while, I didn’t really know what to do with something that had been such a significant part of my life for so long.
Over time, with prayer, discernment and some wise counsel, I’ve slowly found my way back.
But meditation looks different for me now.
It isn’t about connecting with spirit guides.
It isn’t about trying to become the healer.
And it certainly isn’t about trying to find something outside of God.
For me, meditation has become a place of stillness.
Sometimes it’s simply about breathing and settling my nervous system.
Sometimes it’s prayer.
Sometimes it’s sitting with Scripture and allowing myself to actually feel what I’m reading rather than rushing through the words.
And sometimes, strangely enough, it’s where I write.
I use meditation to connect with my characters.
I’ll sit quietly and allow a scene to unfold rather than forcing it onto the page. Sometimes I’ll find myself seeing a character’s expression, hearing their voice or suddenly understanding why they’re behaving the way they are.
It’s one of the ways I allow my writing to come to me rather than constantly trying to chase it.
And the best part?
I don’t have to schedule it.
I have a very unexpected gift sitting right in front of me every morning:
My bus ride to work.
When I was nursing, I used to leave home about thirty minutes early just so I could sit in my car in the car park before a shift.
I’d meditate.
Breathe.
Get quiet.
And find my centre before walking into whatever the day was going to bring.
It helped me feel grounded when the work itself could be anything but peaceful.
These days, I have a bus ride.
And I’ve realised what a blessing that is.
Time where nobody needs anything from me.
Time where I don’t have to answer a question, solve a problem or be productive.
Just time to sit.
To breathe.
To pray.
To think.
To write.
To listen.
And sometimes, simply to be still.
I could probably meditate for hours if I let myself.
And perhaps that’s because, after thirteen years of searching for different ways to find peace, I’m finally learning that peace isn’t something I have to find somewhere else.
Sometimes I just need to become quiet enough to notice it.
And for me, these days, that’s where meditation meets faith.
It’s where I get to deepen my relationship with God, with my characters, and with the stories I’m trying to tell.
And strangely enough, I think that’s where some of the most beautiful things are beginning to unfold.
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