The writer who isn’t writing – for the moment, the teenager who’s growing up, and the unexpected joy of looking forward to life again.
The people closest to me know just how much I write in my spare time.
Not always on my laptop, mind you. I’ve had a journal either on or next to my couch for pretty much my entire life.
Writing is simply something I’ve always done. It’s how I process life, explore ideas, make sense of things and occasionally disappear into the wonderful world of fictional people who seem to have minds of their own.
Which is why having to pause my fiction writing has irritated me no end.
And why, you ask?
Work and motherhood.
The rather inconvenient thing is that I absolutely LOVE what I’m doing, work and mothering. But, I have had a recent change in roles that I genuinely enjoy, and as part of that work, I get to study. And if you know me, you’ll know I also LOVE studying. 🤦🏼♀️
I’m learning new skills, expanding my knowledge and opening doors (the Lord is opening them not me) to opportunities I never imagined I’d be exploring at this stage of my life.
It’s exciting! Like really exciting and if I’m honest it’s been years since I’ve felt that real guttural heart led excitement.
But there’s a slight problem.
My brain apparently hasn’t received the memo that it’s supposed to be both academic AND creative.
So, for the moment, knowledge acquisition has taken priority over fictional worlds and imaginary people. And by the time the weekend rolls around?
I’m exhausted.
Not writer’s block. Not a lack of ideas. Just plain old exhaustion. I’m still a show of one but recently I started praying and pondering over a potential new chapter for myself that doesn’t involve work or mothering…. Can you guess what it might be?
Meanwhile, my characters are probably sitting around wondering where on earth I’ve disappeared to. I miss them dearly! I love them like I love my own child.
My Google Drive ideas parking lot is overflowing with storylines, random thoughts and little snippets of dialogue, all patiently waiting for me to return. I’m sure some of those characters are getting rather cranky with me by now. I hope they can forgive me in this short season, it’s not forever I promise.
The stories haven’t stopped brewing. The keystrokes have simply gone quiet.
And while I’ve been rather frustrated about that, something interesting has been happening in the background.
My actual life has started becoming rather exciting.
Who would’ve thought?
Motherhood, long commutes and the preciousness of time
Of course, there’s another rather important person in my life.
My fourteen-year-old daughter.
And goodness me, how did we get to FOURTEEN already?
Between working full-time, studying and commuting into the city, my weekdays are rather full.
Although, I must confess, I actually love my commute.
It’s my time with Jesus. A little pocket of peace before the busyness of the day begins. Who wouldn’t love that?
But when the weekend arrives and my girl is with me, I want to spend that precious time with her. I share her 50% of the time and been doing so since her father and I parted ways.
Something rather interesting is happening….She’s growing up.
I know. Rude, isn’t it?
She’s already talking about driving, getting a job, talking getting her own place – when she is much older – but she’s dreaming and that’s a beautiful thing to listen to, I smile and laugh at her excitement as she tells me how her car will look, the things she wants to put into her own place and how it will look.
And while I listen to her excitedly planning her future, I’ve found myself doing something rather unexpected.
I’ve started thinking about mine.
For fourteen years, so much of my world has revolved around being Mum.
And I wouldn’t change that for anything.
But as my daughter begins discovering who she wants to become, I’m finding myself rediscovering parts of the woman that wants the same for myself too.
Not because motherhood is ending. Goodness, I don’t think that job ever ends!
But because we’re both growing. Just in different directions.
And perhaps that’s one of the beautiful things about motherhood that nobody really prepares you for.
One day, the little person you’ve spent so much of your life nurturing starts dreaming about their own adventures.
And somewhere along the way, you realise you’re allowed to have some adventures of your own.
Wait… am I actually excited about my future?
Here’s something I wasn’t expecting.
As my daughter begins dreaming about her independence, I’ve started pondering what the next season of my own life might look like. When her father and I parted, I made a line in the sand hard no on any dating because I wanted the time I had with her to be about her an I with no other distraction. Did I go on dates? Yeah I did, but when she wasn’t around and a but the last one I ever went on a very very long time ago – years I drew that line and said no. But now that no is turning into a maybe, but still with boundaries.
And the strangest thing?
I’m excited.
Genuinely excited. To loosen the grip, to open up and see again… to take a peak. I’m not sure how that looks just yet. I’ve prayed about it and released it to the Lord to work on the how it comes about. In the mean time I continue as is.
And if I’m being completely transparent, the emotion of excitement and dreaming life and love into my world – it’s something I haven’t felt about my future in quite some time.
Not because life has been all doom and gloom. There have been wonderful moments, beautiful memories and plenty to be grateful for.
But there’s a difference between getting through life and actually looking forward to living it.
And somewhere along the way, I think I’d forgotten what the latter felt like. You know that feeling when you’re so busy being responsible, doing what needs to be done, making sure everyone and everything is taken care of, that you stop wondering what YOU might like to experience?
I think that happens to a lot of us.
Particularly women.
We’re mothers, employees, daughters, friends, carers, organisers, problem solvers and the people who somehow remember that the toilet paper is running out.
And somewhere amongst all those roles, the woman underneath can become a little quiet.
Not gone.
Just quiet.
But lately, I’ve noticed something changing. Im beginning to dream again. Im beginning to see things in my reality that I had once lost hope in having, maybe, just maybe I may have the things I did dream of, they’re not going to come in the way my puny mind wanted it to happen…. Oh how the mind is so limited – but with God all things are infinite and possible he makes a way where there appears to be no way.
My dreams are much different dreams to the ones I used to have. They’re not necessarily big, elaborate dreams with colour-coded spreadsheets and five-year plans. It’s great to have a plan, but your plans can limit Gods ability to bless you. So my plans are definitely not like they used to be…a little ridged and probably rooted in anxiety and the need to know every detail.
Although, let’s be honest, I do love a good plan. But for me, my plans started back firing in some pretty brutal ways, so now. They’re more about the Jeremiah 29:11 plans – for I know the plans I have for you, says the lord. Plans to prosper you not to harm you. Plans for hope and a future. My plans now involve discussion with God and Holy Spirit and most of those plans state. Your will not mine! If it were in my will I would 100% do something to mess it up.
New experiences. New friendships. Adventures. Possibilities.
The simple excitement of wondering what might happen next. Only this time it’s not the “oh man, what now” kind of nervousness.
And for someone who’s spent a good portion of her life trying to figure everything out, logically and anxiously checking am I doing this right? To surrender to the plan God has for me, that feels rather wonderful. It’s like this feeling of peace that surpasses all understanding. A peace that helps me to know – He has put this desire into my heart and He will fulfill it in whatever way He wants. Heck, He knows me better than I no myself. So why wouldn’t I relax into this new season!
I have had some time to read – not just the Bible but a bool by Ps Andrew Wommack
It’s so interesting how New Age spirituality stole from the truth…. The switch over has been a little tricky – self condemnation followed me around for a while… But this book came exactly at a time where I needed some help to dream again. One day, my daughter will have her own life, her own adventures and perhaps even her own family.
And one day, it might literally just be me and the Lord, I’m okay with that… but if the desire is there – He put it there which means He wants to fulfill it in me and through me.
And you know what?
That doesn’t frighten me.
In fact, the possibilities are starting to feel rather lovely.
I’m working in an entirely new industry now, an industry I did not see coming for me. I thought my whole life would be in healthcare – alas, when I gave my life to Jesus, my whole world shifted pretty dramatically and drastically. I did not select it, it selected me…I’m now learning new skills I never imagined I’d be learning, and I get paid to have fun and help people. I feel like I hit the jackpot.
Seriously!
How good is that?
So, yes in this new rather interesting possibility I’ve started contemplating.
Dating.
Yes.
DATING.
Good grief. 🤦🏼♀️ took me a while to get there! Maybe I needed to have an extended period of singledom to develop these characters and marinate in them. So I could download their storyline’s away from being in one myself, I got review and renew…
A contemporary romance writer contemplating actual romance
Now, considering I write contemporary romance, you’d think I’d be rather comfortable with the concept of romance. lol, I’m one of the awkwardest introverted romance writers…. If you had met me years ago you would question that… I’m an ambivert. I can be extroverted when I need to be but I then need mountains of downtime after. I can happily create fictional characters, throw them into complicated relationships, make them question everything they’ve ever believed about love and eventually lead them towards their happily ever after.
Easy peasy.
But actually putting myself out there again?
Well. That’s an entirely different manuscript!
My daughter and I have recently become rather obsessed with watching First Dates on 7plus.
It’s our new favourite show to watch together. Although she keeps telling me I need to stop watching it. Apparently, she thinks I should actually participate.
She’s even threatened to sign me up!
I told her, “Don’t you DARE!” 🤣
Can you imagine?
Me sitting across from some poor unsuspecting man, trying to make polite conversation while mentally analysing the entire interaction like a scene from one of my novels.
Interesting character development. Questionable dialogue. Not entirely sure about the plot.
But here’s the thing.
Watching people put themselves out there, sometimes awkwardly, sometimes hilariously, and occasionally rather beautifully, has actually given me a little hope. I need to embrace my quirks and irks we all have them.
I’m not necessarily about to throw myself into the dating world tomorrow, and I most certainly will NOT be allowing my child to strong arm me onto a dating show.
Let’s not get carried away.
But perhaps the possibility of love, companionship and new experiences isn’t quite as frightening as it once seemed.
And isn’t that an interesting thought?
For someone who spends so much time writing about love, perhaps it’s time I started being a little more open to the possibility of experiencing a new chapter of it myself. Besides maybe that’s where some new content might come from….
Not because my life is incomplete without someone.
Quite the opposite, actually.
I’m beginning to really enjoy the life I’m building. And perhaps that’s the nicest place to approach the possibility of romance from. Not needing someone to make life wonderful, but being open to sharing an already wonderful life with someone.
No pressure. No grand expectations.
Just possibility.
And for now, possibility feels rather lovely.
Meanwhile, Jesus and Amazon are keeping me busy
Speaking of new chapters…
I recently bought myself a new study Bible. And oh my goodness, I am IN LOVE. Amazon has made an absolute motza out of me. Stickers. Highlighters. Bible tabs. Pens. You name it, I’ve probably added it to my cart. I’ve yet to read the Bible cover to cover, but I’ve certainly highlighted the heck out of my favourite passages. My Bible app also gets a solid workout.
I’m learning to take my time with this process.
Which, if you know me, is not an easy task.
I’m usually the person who wants to absorb ALL the information, understand ALL the concepts and preferably have everything figured out by Tuesday. Haha oh my brain.🧠
But I’m discovering that some things aren’t meant to be rushed. And I must say, the Bible is turning out to be better than any textbook or questionable personal development book I’ve ever read.
And believe me, I’ve read A LOT of both.
One verse that continues to speak to me and has followed me the whole way through this new revival is Jeremiah 29:11.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
It’s my favourite verse.
And while I know those words were originally spoken to God’s people during a difficult season, which was what happened when I completely renounced my old New Age life….I find such comfort in the reminder that uncertainty doesn’t mean there isn’t hope.
Because if there’s one thing I’m slowly learning, it’s that I don’t need to know every detail of what’s coming next.
I don’t need to have everything planned out.
And perhaps, just perhaps, I don’t need to control the storyline quite so much.
Which is rather ironic coming from someone who spends her spare time controlling the lives of fictional people.
I’ve spent so much of my life trying to figure things out. Overthinking over analysing, hypervigilantly doing everything in my own strength.
Trying to make the right decisions.
Trying to understand why certain things happened, why others didn’t and what I was supposed to do next.
And frankly?
It’s exhausting!
There’s something incredibly freeing about finally beginning to accept that I don’t have to have all the answers.
I can make plans.
I can pursue dreams.
I can take opportunities.
I can be curious about the future.
And I can trust God with the things I cannot see.
Perhaps faith isn’t always about knowing what’s coming next.
Perhaps sometimes it’s simply about being willing to take the next step.
And maybe even enjoying the journey along the way.
What a concept! 🤣
So, when am I actually going to write again?
Oh, how I miss it!
I miss sitting at my laptop and disappearing into a fictional world.
I miss the excitement of watching a scene unfold.
I miss the characters who occasionally surprise me by doing something I hadn’t planned.
And I would absolutely LOVE to book myself into a week-long writing retreat with a bunch of other fiction writers.
Imagine! Wait – maybe that’s something I need to be imaging for 😲 I wrote that into existence…
An entire week dedicated to writing, talking about fictional people as though they’re real, drinking copious amounts of tea and getting completely lost in our imaginary worlds.
Heaven.
A long weekend would do, too. I’m not fussy.
But for now, I’m recognising that this is simply a season.
A busy, exciting, slightly exhausting season.
And while my fiction writing might be temporarily sitting in the waiting room, my actual life seems to be opening up in ways I hadn’t anticipated.
Which has got me thinking.
Perhaps I haven’t stopped being creative.
Perhaps I’m simply in a season of gathering experiences rather than turning them into stories.
After all, writers are observers of life, aren’t we? We notice things. We collect conversations, emotions, experiences and those wonderfully ridiculous moments that make us human. And eventually, all those little observations find their way into our stories.
Perhaps this season isn’t taking me away from writing after all. Maybe I am living into more storyline’s and narratives… it’s giving me something new to write about.
If you’d asked me a few years ago whether I was excited about the future, I’m not entirely sure what my answer would have been. It was a mixture of yes and fear of what
But today? I 100% am.
And I don’t think I can adequately explain just how lovely that feels. It’s not that everything in my life has suddenly become perfect.
Far from it.
I still get tired, have responsibilities and days when my brain feels like it’s running seventeen different programs and someone has forgotten to install the updates. But, something inside me has shifted. I’m no longer just thinking about what needs to be done. I’m starting to wonder what might be possible. And that’s a rather beautiful place to find yourself.
I think for a long time I was so focused on navigating life, learning from the past and trying to understand everything that had happened, that I’d forgotten I was allowed to simply enjoy being alive.
To laugh, that’s happening a lot more…
To be silly, that’s happening!
To try something new, tick
To make mistakes, it’s how we learn.
To have adventures…. Hmm in progress
To be curious, definitely.
To have FUN! Always
Goodness me, when did life become so serious? I said that to a colleague recently when did I become so serious and boring?!
Somewhere along the way, I think I’d forgotten that life isn’t simply a series of responsibilities to manage or problems to solve. It’s also something we’re meant to experience. And I’m beginning to want to experience it again.
All of it.
The funny moments, the awkward moments, the unexpected opportunities and perhaps even the occasional disastrous first date.
Although, preferably not too disastrous.
I am a romance writer, after all. I do appreciate a decent storyline. 🤣 just not at my expense anymore thank you very much.
And while I don’t know exactly what the next chapter of my life looks like, I know one thing.
I’m finally looking forward to turning the page.
I’m excited about my work.
I’m excited about learning.
I’m excited about watching my daughter grow into the young woman she’s becoming.
I’m excited about the possibility of new friendships, new experiences and perhaps even a little romance.
And I’m excited about whatever God has planned next.
For the first time in a long time, I don’t feel the same need to figure out how the whole story ends.
I just want to enjoy the chapter I’m in.
Perhaps that’s what this season is really teaching me.That it’s okay to put some dreams on pause while other parts of life are unfolding. Being a mother doesn’t mean forgetting the woman underneath. The future doesn’t have to look like the past.
And that hope can quietly find its way back into your life, sometimes when you least expect it. The fact that excitement has returned to my life tells me that perhaps the Holy Spirit is stirring something new. Whatever that might be, I’m open to it. Im learning to loosen my grip on the pen and let God lead the story.
After all, He’s a far better author of my life than I could ever hope to be. If this is the beginning of a new chapter?
Well, bring on the adventure!
And to my fictional characters patiently waiting in Google Drive…
Hang in there, my darlings.
I’ll be back.
Hopefully before you all decide to rewrite yourselves. 🤣
Now, where did I put those Bible highlighters?
☕ A little question before you go…
Have you ever found yourself in a season where something you loved had to take a back seat, only to discover that something equally wonderful was unfolding in the meantime?
Or perhaps you’ve experienced that beautiful, unexpected feeling of becoming hopeful about your future again?
I’d love to hear about it.
Because sometimes the most interesting chapters of our lives are the ones we never saw coming. ❤️
Life doesn’t always turn out the way we imagined, but that doesn’t mean the story is over.
“I’m finally looking forward to turning the page.”
XO – K
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